The Knowledgemonger Kronicles

Sometimes I just have to sit down and force myself to write about things. To write about the its, the yous and the thous in my life. To write about the places to which my mind has escaped for a time. To write something, anything that seems to resonate with something that sounds of feeling and doesn't feel contrived.

But, there are those days that nothing wants to come out. The days when everything wants to stay hidden away from the world. The days when I feel like everything that I am writing is meaningless and tiresome. The days that I think that you may read this post and say: "He's lost his mind", "He needs to not talk about me so much", "He has no clue what is going on around him."

That was were I was. I couldn't make sense of a lot of things. Typically this causes great strife within me. Surprisingly, this time, it was not like that. This time I was in good spirits, just with nothing of great importance to contribute. Then came today...or rather yesterday.

I realized that I had learned something in the last few weeks...well, 2 things to be precise:

1) To not take anything personally.
2) To not make assumptions.

I have my aunt to thank for this...because, she gave me the book from which I learned these things for my 30th birthday. Yes, and I just got around to reading it. But, she never hounded me to do so. Like most things, she realized that I would get to it in my own time and that it would most likely be when I needed it most.

I used to take EVERYTHING personally. It made me really receptive to other people's images of who I was. Then, I realized (and actually thought about it recently) that I am the one who's opinion matters on all things that concern me directly. The gossip doesn't matter. The compliments do not matter. The criticism does not matter. It all only effects me to the level that I can feel these words.

This is not to say that compliments are not good or that criticism is not needed. It is to say that these are things to not take personally. This means that you should not take these words as a reason to change. If I am paid a compliment, it does not mean that the compliment is not valid on other days and that I should only look or act the way that I was looking or acting at that very moment. Criticism should not be taken as a personal attack because it is like a compliment and is a reflection of the other person's feelings about a situation and not about you...entirely. This is not to say that it is alright to do poorly unto others and not feel badly about it. It simply stated means that if it is something you know is an issue with yourself...fix it. Otherwise, realize that it was one situation and it is another person's feelings not yours.

Assumptions. There is a reason for the statement that "To assume is to make an ass out of you and me." We as people assume a lot and this is something with which I will struggle. I am a poker player, so a portion of that is building assumptions based around pattern recognition. But, in life, if we start to assume that we know the situation, we need to stop where we are going with it and have the courage to ask questions. Conversation is the greatest way to squash the assumptions. Most problems in this world are based around assumptions. People get married assuming that their principle of marriage is the same as their chosen partner's views on marriage. Only later to find that they do not have the same values assigned to that agreement.

I can look back at most of my blogs about "problems" and realize that a majority of them are based around my assumptions. Either, because I thought to much into a situation without seeking outside guidance or because I had no idea where things were at that given moment for someone else involved. So, don't be surprised, if I start asking more detailed questions of you.

But these are just my thoughts on the matter & it feels good to be back.

~L

I love that life throws them at you from time to time. It keeps things from getting mundane and makes you continually think. Without them, I don't think life would be any fun at all.

Take my recent battles with financial aid, I could:

a) not deal with it & drop out of school.
b) get pissed off & go on a rampage at the financial aid headquarters.
c) get mad, organize my thoughts, laugh a little bit & then take them on.
d) drink heavily and do a) or b) anyway.

So, I have chosen path c). Less messy and overall, more effective. So, hopefully everything will work out for the better in a month or so and that they as well as myself will learn valuable lessons going forward.

Lots of changes going on around me and also within me. I am directing what I can in directions that I want them to go. How manipulative of me! Well, trust me when I say that I have very little control over the things that do not directly involve me, but that is something that I am okay with at this time. People come and people go, just make the most of the time that they are around.

Spring semester has resumed. Wish me luck. With any skill, I will finish up the year with a very high 3.XX GPA, w00t!

~L

At the rate that I have been blogging, I know that this will be the last one for this year and my hope is going forward to change the nature of my posts and to have fun with this blog, like I did when I first started it.

This fall semester was rather busy and once I started having to write papers, I lost the creative energy to put out anything that I felt was worthwhile on here, so I just didn't post. I have; however, have continued to live.

As I believe I stated once before this blog will be taking on a less personal nature next year. I just don't have the need in that arena anymore. I am happy with so much in my life that the negative will no longer have a hold on me. Last week, I did decide to vent my frustration with a matter through a facebook status, which is ALWAYS a mistake. I learned 2 valuable lessons: 1) don't change your facebook status at 2:00 am, if you have been drinking & 2) status changes should be restricted to funny quips and wishings of good tidings.

Anyway, a few words about 2008:

The number of minds that have startled me this year are immeasurable and it is a chief event in any of those days. These are the moments and the interactions to enjoy and to devour. Whether it be walking down the street being a mutual geek with someone or sitting around my bedroom listening to random things and talking about the even more random or sometimes it is just a smile from the right person that lights up my heart. Life is just amazing sometimes.

I have met and made strong bonds with some AMAZING friends. You all mean the world to me and I can't imagine where I would be at the end of this year without the influence that you all have had on me. Not all of the strong bonds have been with new friends, I also like that some old bonds are being renewed and that some never fade regardless of the trivialities of the day, the week, the year.

I am capable of trusting people, again.

I am, also, able to let people go when it is necessary. It will always break my heart how some things end up, but I will no longer be the sole contributor in any relationship. It is not healthy for me or for any of you. In short: If you want to be my friend, be.

I have found myself one step closer to having the degree that I have decided after 10 years that I should obtain. It has been greatly necessary. After, this one semester, I have come to realize that I have ridiculously high expectations for myself and, frankly, I think that they are needed and obtainable. So, that's where that is now and I hope to have everything headed to success in the years to come.

So, with that 2008 is coming to a close and I can't wait for 2009, I have a hunch it is going to be a good year for many of us.

I am forgetting little things. I don't know if it is a condition of age or if it is just that I am utilizing memory space for different information. It is rather frustrating at times, but has not impaired my course work...yet.

There are some things that are bugging me to no end. I have no idea what path may be the correct one to choose in progressing forward from the state that these things are currently in. This is a major contributor to my lack of posts recently.

I miss having quality time with some of my friends, but am thankful for the quality time that has filled the void. I AM dealing with a mixed bag of feelings. Its like I just got a new puzzle with the following issues:

1) There is no picture on the box to guide the process.
2) There are pieces missing.
3) There are extra pieces that should not be there.
4) I have a time limit for completion.
5) My friends don't do puzzles.

So, here I am thinking examining the pieces, trying to find some commonality that links them together. Guided only by a strong reasoning mind & a unwavering heart on a mission to see some beautiful image pop amongst the conundrum of life's little pieces.

I hope everyone is well and I miss those of you I don't get to see nearly enough.

~L

Can we laugh at cancer? Is it
Funny to loose your breasts? Am I
Crazy to have humor when I lose
my hair? Should I ignore the
giggles while receiving chemo?
What if I nudge someone and
sneak a smile, even though I
have no eyebrows? Is it
inappropriate? Don't be
offended, it beats waxing!

These are the words of Julie Wade, cancer survivor from Seattle, Washington. This made me think of my maternal grandmother, who lost her own battle with cancer in 2006. Her strength of character while she suffered and her will to live during a long battle were remarkable. She insisted on making future plans throughout the struggle, it gave her hope and a reason to live.

More people need to have that kind of gusto for life, without having to suffer first. People need to laugh at themselves more often. Situations will seem less bleak and the love that surrounds us daily will be much more noticeable. I am thankful everyday for the people that I have in my life and if you are reading this, that includes you.

The little trivialities of life should be recognized as just that. Stop and listen to the music. It is beautiful. "Life is short but sweet for certain."

My good friend, The Diarist posted a blog recounting his day seven years ago and has inspired me to write my own.

I set my alarm for 8:00 that morning to allow myself ample time to reach my 3rd interview for a new job at 9:45. I took a shower & had some cereal and returned to my bedroom in the basement of my Dad's townhouse. I turned on the news somewhere between 8:45 and 9:00 am, and saw that a plane had hit the first WTC building. I was in shock and couldn't understand how a flight could get that off track. I called upstairs to my stepmother and had her turn on the TV and called my mother, who was getting ready for work at home herself around 8:55.

She answers the phone and I immediately ask her to turn on her TV. She takes a second to get into the living room at her place and I hear her gasp at the sight of the tower burning. We talk about it and speculate how someone could possibly have a malfunction that would would steer them into the center of the tallest building in world. Then at 9:00 am, I see the unthinkable happen on my TV as the plane hits the second building and the instant understanding as I say "Oh my God!" into the phone. My mother says "What?" as her TV satellite is slightly behind in signal and she immediately gasps and then screams.

I take my phone upstairs and my stepmother calls my dad, who is on his way home. My mother hangs up her phone so she can make calls to her side of the family. I try to call the manager who is interviewing me and I don't get through. So, after telling my stepmother that I will be right back, I depart for my interview across town.

I get there around 9:25 or so and the GM is standing in the lobby of the hotel where the job fair was being held watching the TV. He looks at me introduces himself, offers me the job and tells me to go home to be with my family. I suggest that he does likewise, thank him and get in my car.

As I am driving home and listening to the radio at 9:37 the Pentagon is struck and these horrible images of dozens of planes targeting sites around the country fills my head. I rush home get there and my dad and stepmother are watching the coverage as they report the 4th plane crashing in PA.

Around noon, I remember that I am the manager of a Blockbuster and that I may have employees, who are still there and have no idea what to do. I try calling them and as most of you remember from that day calls just weren't going through anywhere. I get my stuff together and drive out to Springfield to see what is happening at the store. My assistant manager was there and she had sent home everyone else. I relieved her and thanked her for her actions and told her to go home to be with her family.

I kept the store open until my employees came in at 6:00 pm, so I could make sure that they knew to go home. But, remarkably at about 5:45, I started to get business (grocery store right across from me). So, I stayed open to supply people with something to take their minds off of the tragedy, if just for a moment. The twins (I had twin Customer Service guys) came in and told them that they should go back home. They saw the people at the store and refused to leave until I could as well.

So, sometime around 9:00 pm, the Giant closed up and we followed that example. Before we left we lit candles and the 3 of us stood in vigil outside the stores and were joined by some of the others who were still there to say a little prayer.

Every September 11th, I remember. I remember the shock. I remember the terror. I remember the uncertainty. I remember the kindness. I remember the unity.

People for a brief moment put away their difference and united as a world. United, we are kind. United, we are open. United, we love. United, we stand.

I only wish it did not take such great tragedy for us to remember the strength of unity.

Much Love,

~L

So, I mentioned in a post at the beginning of the week that I would be blogging in regards to a great man (like taxis in San Francisco...of which there are 5) and I am trying to be a man of my words. So, without further ado, ladies & gentlemen, I present to you Ralph Waldo Emerson.



So, why an entire blog about his man? Let's start with giving you a brief bio pulled from our friends at Wiki.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (25 May 1803 – 27 April 1882) was an American essayist, philosopher, poet, and leader of the Transcendentalist movement in the early 19th century. His teachings directly influenced the growing New Thought movement of the mid 1800s.

Emerson gradually moved away from the religious and social beliefs of his contemporaries, formulating and expressing the philosophy of Transcendentalism in his 1836 essay, Nature. As a result of this ground breaking work he gave a speech entitled The American Scholar in 1837, which Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. considered to be America's "Intellectual Declaration of Independence".[1] Emerson once said "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you."

Considered one of the great orators of the time, Emerson's enthusiasm and respect for his audience enraptured crowds. His support for abolitionism late in life created controversy, and at times he was subject to abuse from crowds while speaking on the topic, however this was not always the case. When asked to sum up his work, he said his central doctrine was "the infinitude of the private man."

Internal monologue (externally projected)

-So, that made this blog very clear.
-Wait! No, it just talked a bit about who he was. So...What?!?
-It shows he's a great man, an inspired thinker & a fantastic orator.
-And?
-You want more?
-Yes, please.


What does all that mean? Well, let us start with Transcendentalism (powerful word in scrabble). I hope you noticed the subtle fact that I linked the same topic three times and took the time to glance over the page that is through those portals.

Transcendentalism was a basis for my personal growth and my faith in myself throughout my young adulthood. I am not going to bore you with the exacting details of the Utopian ideas that were set forth by the movement, but rather what I have gathered from some of the key thoughts.


The closing line of the essay "Nature":

So shall we come to look at the world with new eyes. It shall answer the endless inquiry of the intellect, — What is truth? and of the affections, — What is good? by yielding itself passive to the educated Will. ... Build, therefore, your own world. As fast as you conform your life to the pure idea in your mind, that will unfold its great proportions. A correspondent revolution in things will attend the influx of the spirit.

Perhaps, the proof is not that easy to discern from a couple of lines, but my central beliefs in life revolve around the concepts of the movement. Spend each day being the best you that you can be and by adhering to the purity of your ideas you will create a better world around yourself. Ask questions, learn daily. Attack confrontation, argue for the sake of growth. Forget nonsense, push toward the positive.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, through his thoughts, essays & poems, had a profound impact on the individual that I have become. Piece this together with some of my previous writings and I am sure you have a good basis of the person that resides on this side of keyboard, for better or worse.

Lastly, a few quotes from Mr. Emerson (because this blog is not nearly long enough):

"I notice that as soon as writers broach this question they begin to quote. I hate quotation. Tell me what you know." (

"A friend is one before whom I may think aloud." (I do this a bit too often with my patchwork mind)

"Character is higher than intellect... A great soul will be strong to live, as well as to think."

"Colleges hate geniuses, just as convents hate saints."

"Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."

"Don't waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good."


Okay, I think you get it now or at least stopped my internal dialogue in regards to the fact. Either way, that brings this blog to a close. Have a fantastic weekend, all!

~L

As many of you have come to know me, I am sure that you are realizing that I am a creature of emotion. I feel them, I sense them in others and I like discussions that bring them into play, in one form or another. This is not to say that I am ruled by my emotions. I do not use them as the sole reason for making any decision. As a youth, I stopped allowing myself to feel and dealt with everything in a rational, yet cold, manner. In my mid-to-late twenties, I allowed myself to feel too much and not rationalize at all, hopelessly romanticizing my existence. How did I transition through all of these phases? What caused each phase shift?

At the age of 13, my parents divorced, and I was uprooted and relocated to Delaware with my younger brothers and my mother. I had no desire to move from where I was already settled or be away from my father. The divorce was bitter and my mother used the fact that my dad left her as a tool to breed anger in her sons. I have resented her for this my entire life, though now I have an understanding of the her character and see why she thought it necessary, which I am not going to address.

This event catapulted me toward not feeling emotions and to become more of an adult and less a child at an age that I feel is too young to make that abrupt transition. I would not allow myself to become attached to anyone or anything on the chance that tomorrow they went away. I was also dealing with the fact that I was more attracted to guys than I was to girls. I existed in an emotional shell and most of my friends from that era would probably agree that they knew only two key things about me: I was intelligent & I was fast witted.

I did not cry between the ages of 13 and 22. I would not allow it to happen and feared the weakness that it would show. I felt these emotions inside of me that were conflicting with everything that seemed to be correct. I did not trust anyone. I did not take any chances. In short I did not live.

In June 1999, my mother told me she was going to sell the house that I was living in and that I would either need to move with her to Salisbury or that I would need to find some other living arrangement. I cracked. Later that night in the house that was my safe place, I cried for the first time for hours. It was the cracking of my shell of control, something that I had not experienced in my young life. Up to that point, I felt that I had ultimate control over everything that happened in my life.

This breaking did have a bit of an upside, I started feeling again. Not to say that I instantly changed my stoic ways, but rather began to progress into feeling emotions. A good thing, yes, but not a great thing. As an emotional sponge, I absorbed everything and took it to heart without ever filtering it through my brain. Movies made me cry, I fell in love instantly, by receiving the attention of another. I became the co-dependent in a relationship that almost destroyed me.

This relationship while short from a lifetime perspective was a significant turning point in my life and my growth. I fell in love with someone that may have loved me, but took advantage of the person that I was and the trust that I now automatically tossed to him. I don't know how many times I was betrayed in this relationship, but it was significant enough that after 18 months and one last betrayal it was time to call it quits. I left without discussion and had an emotional breakdown about a mile from home.

I returned to discuss the betrayal and decided that as a significant co-dependent that I still wanted to work through things. He, thankfully, said that he didn't love me and that he did not want to keep up the charade. The next day, while he was at work, I tried to kill the pain and myself. I took a enough Zoloft to kill a small pony and went to sleep. With great luck, I woke up with the worst headache of my life and stopped taking anti-depressants.

I moved out and moved on. I still had and have issues dealing with that failure of a relationship, but it woke up something within me that I can only describe as a mental filter. I allowed myself to feel emotions and started to learn how to deal with them. It took me a couple of years to be able to trust someone again.

I met Mitchell earlier this year and through his challenges on emotions and many other topics reminded me how to be me. After that reminder, I opened myself to trusting people again, some times maybe too much. Though I am no longer going to brood over someone's decisions and allow them to affect me for an extended period.

My friends help me to grow and learn. I am thankful everyday for the happiness and joy that they bring me, even when frustrating the hell out of each other. Keeping myself on track and understanding who I am will be a continual process. But, I know with my friends help, life will be grand.

I will trust, I will be betrayed, I will love, I will hurt and I will live. I know that I will continue to be plagued by the uncertainties of other people, but that's okay, because I know who I am, I know where I have been and I know, for the moment, where I am headed.

~L

I am not perfect and will never claim to be. I am better than some in some aspects of life and worse than others in some aspects as well. I am not jaded. I do trust too often now. I do things that I know better than to do. I regret. I don't play games unnecessarily. I forgive but never forget. I love. I analyze my emotions and sometimes marvel over their origins. I am nice as a default, but will bite back when provoked. I never lie, but I will misdirect with the truth sometimes. I will change the way you think. I will be changed by my interactions. I enjoy writing a first-person descriptive paragraph, that borders on too long and unstructured. I like to talk about nutrition. I justify buying things based off of need and divert money from being spent at the bar to pay for it. I am at this moment who I want to be, yet I am not complete.

Revisited because I see how it has driven a lot of us (people as an inclusive) crazy in the past. I should also add, because one person made a statement that brought me to rethinking about my need for intimacy, perhaps there is a reason for you being 1st Brain.

The statement, greatly paraphrased not because of lack of memory but more for purpose was this: Why do you need intimacy, if you have everything else that you need without it? And after wrapping my brain around that for a bit, I have realized I do have intimacy. Intimacy to the level of description from our good friends at Wikipedia, the first two paragraphs are as follows:

The meaning of intimacy varies from relationship to relationship, and within a given relationship. Intimacy has more to do with rituals of connection. It is possible to compete over intimacy but that is likely to be self-defeating. Intimacy requires empathy - the ability to stand in another's shoes.

Intimacy is both the ability and the choice to be close, loving, and vulnerable. Intimacy requires identity development. You have to know yourself and your inner self in order to share your self with another. Knowing yourself makes it possible to stand for yourself in an intimate relationship without taking over the other or losing yourself to the other. This ability to be separate and together in an intimate relationship and being okay with that is called self-differentiation. Lacking the ability to differentiate one self from the other is a form of symbiosis. This too is different from intimacy though to some that kind of dependent closeness may feel the same.

I have these familiar relationships with my closest friends. What I found was that I was not lacking intimacy but that I was lacking something that I may not need in a relationship: symbiosis. I have in the past in my relationships become rather absorbed in the other person. I lost some of my own personality and it takes me a bit to recover each time.

I do know what it is that I am lacking that I do want however now with a little soul-searching (Still looking for that, huh?)... I want to feel "wanted." (Please define.) I have some amazing friends, but I don't know how much I can contribute to our relationships. (Why?) Not because I run sub-dialogue in parenthetical blips, (You do.) but because I have an obsessive need to know that what I am doing is beneficial to somebody else.

I feel badly about staying with friends' places over the weekend, not because I wouldn't do the same thing for any of them, but because I don't see what they can ever get out of the situation. It makes me feel invasive, which going back to the last statement of the last paragraph is not helping that need.

Also, there is a bit of a longing for a singular person with which I will have both a sexual and intimate connection and I think this is what I was thinking about before. I just didn't know exactly what I was missing, nor was I coping with it well.

I am not going to let my "longing" interfere with my relationships with anyone else any longer. (Yeah right.) No, really, I need you to call me out on it when it does. Further, I need you all to ask me "what's going on inside of that head of yours?" And not to accept the response of "nothing" indefinitely. Make me talk, make me ramble, make me cry... I like it. (Apparently)

Until next time, kids. I know you want more witty tales and the general tomfoolery of my days, but remember half of that is dependent on you.

I stopped thinking. Somewhere, somehow, I just kind of hit the "auto-pilot" button and started cruising along at a "safe" altitude. The problem with safe altitudes and cruising along is that nothing changes and nothing is learned.

For about 2 month, I stopped meaning "how are you?" when I asked someone. I became like everyone else in meaning that as a simple greeting and almost as if it is a rhetorical question with the implied answer of "fine." I became someone less. Someone...not ME. Earlier, I cried, which usually signifies a breaking point, but it could just be a need for release.

I miss feeling intimately desired. Yes, a very selfish feeling. But, it is true and not to be confused with sexually desired. I miss that series of connections, that "I will always have your back" feeling. The inside jokes. The touch, the feel. (of cotton).

So many people bring so much to me and I thank the gods for you every day. Ironically, somehow that has had both a positive and a negative effect on me as well. The positives far outweigh the negatives, which is why I made the first statement of this paragraph. It has made me desire more and I am not saying particularly from any of you, just that I know I can and have a good man and should not accept anything less. But the longing...GRRRR.

I stopped thinking long enough to ramble on in this posting. Imagine that. I don't understand myself sometimes and yet not knowing someone else drives me nuts. Absolutely bonkers. I guess that is the other edge of the knowledgemongering sword.

And there is trust. Yes, still not fully okay with it. I am always tip-toeing across the rug jsut in case someone is going to slide it out from under me. In my life thuse, far most people have faded in and out, including my mother. It makes knowing what and when to share hard sometimes.

Words of advice to future me: Everyone has their own agenda, don't assume that you know what it is, but don't be surprised when it is exactly what you thought it might be. Also, continue your patience when dealing with other people's agendas, some lessons have to be learned first hand and can not be taught, even when it is painful to watch. Continue to love as a default.

I need more solid two way conversations. More dialogue, less monologue. Internal demons can only be exercised but setting them loose.

Okay, enough of that for now. :-)

1) Items to have in possession: A car, laptop & textbooks, all things needed for school purposes.

2) Take a short 2-3 day trip to the beach

3) Continue to workout/exercise daily to build the appropriate body for beach and volleyball type activities

4) Become more argumentative, increase ability to persuade and listen for persuasion points. Maintain arguments in the future tense.

5) Have fun damn it!

6) See 2-3 more concerts.

7) Find at least 5 more random events to fill my sundays.

8) "Live Free or Die!"... oh, wait only applies if and when I am in New Hampshire

9) Breathe! Life is easy, really! Communication is the key.

10) Get up to NYC for a few days.

So, yes I know, I am a list whore, but I think it helps and if anyone wants to do any of these things this summer, as in the activities--I think the words are--HOLLA AT CHA BOY!

Last note: I love the example on the link above on how to use "holla" of "Boy, it was absolutely magnificent to see you again. Holla at me this evening, we can have tea and crumpets."

Well, not actually...but I am trying to cover all aspects of my future by applying for jobs, looking for apartments & just existing in general in 2 different locales. I long for the simplicity of having everything firmly put together and a general direction for my life. I have to get myself through school and with with as few blemishes as possible so I can get into and attend med school. People need my help, or so at least I feel this way. Ok, just a short one for tonight kids...but I will try better tomorrow :-)

1) I am incapable of lying to people, with the following exceptions. I can lie within the confines of a game, while I am working to garner more tips or while I am working to avoid your advances.

ARGH!--yes, an interjection fits my feelings well. I don't know where I am going to live come April 30th. I don't know when I am going to start school. I don't know if I should be looking for jobs for now or if I need to hold off for something in May.