Adversity, My Old Friend, Strengthens Friendships or Tears Them Down.

I want my filter back. This past week has provided me with some shocks that are not so pleasant. There was no winning this past week, so therefore now I learn and grow.

Something happened this week that should never have happened in the first place, but through a poor mix of situations, science and liquid inhibitors; it did. So, me being me I started dealing with it. Unfortunately there is another party involved and he is dealing with it differently, which makes anything good coming from adversity difficult. I am going to elaborate, me thinks, as best as I see fit without giving away the world to all of you.

I instigated crossing a line with a friend without having a conversation with this friend first. The next day, I completely regretted it and received an e-mail from this friend discussing how that we can't be more than friends and that we should just take what happened with a grain of salt. What was said in the e-mail, I respect and say as much when we IM after I read it. There is some light humor (typical of both of our personalities) and I leave it by saying that I still want to talk about a few things face-to-face (which is my preferred method of communication, it takes all the trickery of lack of inflection out of the picture).

I spend much of my time on Thursday analyzing my emotions through my process. 1) Is it logical to have the emotion?, 2) Is it positive to have the emotion? & 3) Is it the correct emotion overall? Yes, No, No. Are the short answers. (Detailed answers by appointment only) If the answer to any of the three questions is "no" then "Houston, we have a problem!"

Then comes Friday night, my friend doesn't go to a party, tells me he did perhaps to not have to deal with me and then thinks everything through and the lightheartedness of our prior conversation goes away. In fact, all conversation goes away. I received 3 text messages from this friend on Saturday and they were "No", "No" & "Ok". So, I only find out how he felt betrayed by reading about it elsewhere. Also, my true nature has now come in to question. And I can't do anything more than try to communicate, as I have done to get beyond this circumstance.

So, now here I am looking not only at this action but analyzing two things: What the hell happened with me last week that all kinds of discretion went flying out the window? & What do/did I want from that friendship? So, let's deal with the second question first.

I wanted a friend that it was simple to hang around and enjoy myself. Someone, that had similar tastes in a lot of areas. A person that I didn't feel on edge around. Someone, that helps me continue to grow as a person. Actually, just the things that I typically look for in a friend.

Overall, I got what I was looking for from him and I never felt awkward, even immediately following that evening as it seemed like we were going to deal with it and move on. He was a good friend to me and I tried to be one to him. I don't know what he wants or even wanted from me, nor do I understand how things flipped. It can all be my fault.

However, I started talking about needing my filter back. I need it for a few functions: 1) So, I don't haphazardly kiss guys (no offense to any of you, if you read this you were probably pretty good at it anyway, or I would have told you) 2) So, I stay sharp and pay attention to possible issues that can arise from my interactions with people. 3) So, I utilize the lessons of my past when confronted with them in the future.

I met too many great people this year. (YES! I am complaining about the number of great people I have met...wait no I am not!) What I mean by that is I very much let my guard down and let my filter dissolve. I started floating along and I believe I have been less thoughtful, inspired and communicative then I was before. I have also been more trusting, more whimsical and more of a lush.

I close by saying this: *edit--I meant something more along this line* I do not, honestly regret my actions but more how everything progressed from that moment on. This all sucks! But, I have learned yet another valuable lesson and I am sure it won't be the only thing I learn from this, both fortunately and unfortunately.

Signing out as a Class 5 Douchebag.



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