I am...

I am not perfect and will never claim to be. I am better than some in some aspects of life and worse than others in some aspects as well. I am not jaded. I do trust too often now. I do things that I know better than to do. I regret. I don't play games unnecessarily. I forgive but never forget. I love. I analyze my emotions and sometimes marvel over their origins. I am nice as a default, but will bite back when provoked. I never lie, but I will misdirect with the truth sometimes. I will change the way you think. I will be changed by my interactions. I enjoy writing a first-person descriptive paragraph, that borders on too long and unstructured. I like to talk about nutrition. I justify buying things based off of need and divert money from being spent at the bar to pay for it. I am at this moment who I want to be, yet I am not complete.

Rest in Peace: Mr. Boyd

This is an excerpt from the delmarvanow.com:

SEAFORD — The Delaware State Police Collision Reconstruction Unit is investigating a fatal motor vehicle crash that occurred earlier today. Investigators responded to the area of Oak Grove Rd just north of Stein Highway at 11:08 am after it was reported a vehicle struck a bicyclist.

Investigators learned a 2003 Chevy Pick-up, operated by Gerald C. Walter, 31 years of age from Seaford was northbound on Oak Grove Road approximately ¾ mile north of Stein Highway. The bicyclist, identified as Carl R. Boyd, 61 years of age of Seaford, was also riding his bicycle northbound on Oak Grove Road in front of the pick-up. He was riding all the way on the right side of the lane, as there were no shoulders.

As the truck approached the bicyclist, the truck’s right front bumper struck the bicyclist in the rear causing the crash. As a result, Mr. Boyd was thrown forward into a ditch. He sustained life-threatening injuries and was pronounced dead at Nanticoke Memorial Hospital.

The cause of this crash is currently under investigation. Alcohol is not a factor. Because of the crash, Oak Grove Road was closed approximately 3 hours.

Mr. Carl R. Boyd was my chemistry and physics teacher at Laurel High School. He taught me how to push myself in academics and helped me throughout numerous competitions, training me in the ways of physics & the periodic table. He was a great teacher and after high school a good friend. Wherever it is that we end up after we leave this world I hope he is there enjoying himself and at peace.

Mr. Boyd, your instruction will be missed by the youth of tomorrow.


Lets Retro!

Last night I worked the George Michael show at the Verizon Center, which from what I could hear sounded good. I made some moneys, which is always a plus and overall just had a good time. Must say, I am not a fan of bartending in a tie, but whatever. I did meet some guys that will be coming to Town this weekend, including the one who gave me the highlight of my evening:

"You are out of club soda, honey, do you know what kinda crowd this is?"
"Yes, I see you bitches on Friday & Saturday night" *Smiling*
"Oh, where do you work?"
"Oh my God! I'll see you this weekend. Just give me tonic, instead."

So, anyway, I closed up my bar, took my bag of "popcorn" and waited 30 minutes to cash out. Once, out of Verizon ("Verison," apparently in my textese.) I looked for a cab, nope...walked to Metro Center without finding one hopped on the red line and wisked away to Cobalt to meet up with 2/3rds of The Brain for some dancing.

I "learned" some break dance moves thanks to the instructional video being played. And I danced for a good 30 minutes and was done. It was a tad hot and I don't like being a hot sweaty mess.

So, I wandered around and talked to people that I have not really talked to in a while outside of our respective work environments, which was a good time.

All in all, a much needed good time was had. Thank you, my friends.


"Delirious" by Mario Spinetti

This Sunday, August 3rd, Mario Spinetti makes his Washington, DC debut at the Kennedy Center's Millennium Stage. The show starts at 6 PM and is FREE. Don't miss out on this fantastic opportunity to see an amazing musician.

Delirious - Mario Spinetti

Adversity, My Old Friend, Strengthens Friendships or Tears Them Down.

I want my filter back. This past week has provided me with some shocks that are not so pleasant. There was no winning this past week, so therefore now I learn and grow.

Something happened this week that should never have happened in the first place, but through a poor mix of situations, science and liquid inhibitors; it did. So, me being me I started dealing with it. Unfortunately there is another party involved and he is dealing with it differently, which makes anything good coming from adversity difficult. I am going to elaborate, me thinks, as best as I see fit without giving away the world to all of you.

I instigated crossing a line with a friend without having a conversation with this friend first. The next day, I completely regretted it and received an e-mail from this friend discussing how that we can't be more than friends and that we should just take what happened with a grain of salt. What was said in the e-mail, I respect and say as much when we IM after I read it. There is some light humor (typical of both of our personalities) and I leave it by saying that I still want to talk about a few things face-to-face (which is my preferred method of communication, it takes all the trickery of lack of inflection out of the picture).

I spend much of my time on Thursday analyzing my emotions through my process. 1) Is it logical to have the emotion?, 2) Is it positive to have the emotion? & 3) Is it the correct emotion overall? Yes, No, No. Are the short answers. (Detailed answers by appointment only) If the answer to any of the three questions is "no" then "Houston, we have a problem!"

Then comes Friday night, my friend doesn't go to a party, tells me he did perhaps to not have to deal with me and then thinks everything through and the lightheartedness of our prior conversation goes away. In fact, all conversation goes away. I received 3 text messages from this friend on Saturday and they were "No", "No" & "Ok". So, I only find out how he felt betrayed by reading about it elsewhere. Also, my true nature has now come in to question. And I can't do anything more than try to communicate, as I have done to get beyond this circumstance.

So, now here I am looking not only at this action but analyzing two things: What the hell happened with me last week that all kinds of discretion went flying out the window? & What do/did I want from that friendship? So, let's deal with the second question first.

I wanted a friend that it was simple to hang around and enjoy myself. Someone, that had similar tastes in a lot of areas. A person that I didn't feel on edge around. Someone, that helps me continue to grow as a person. Actually, just the things that I typically look for in a friend.

Overall, I got what I was looking for from him and I never felt awkward, even immediately following that evening as it seemed like we were going to deal with it and move on. He was a good friend to me and I tried to be one to him. I don't know what he wants or even wanted from me, nor do I understand how things flipped. It can all be my fault.

However, I started talking about needing my filter back. I need it for a few functions: 1) So, I don't haphazardly kiss guys (no offense to any of you, if you read this you were probably pretty good at it anyway, or I would have told you) 2) So, I stay sharp and pay attention to possible issues that can arise from my interactions with people. 3) So, I utilize the lessons of my past when confronted with them in the future.

I met too many great people this year. (YES! I am complaining about the number of great people I have met...wait no I am not!) What I mean by that is I very much let my guard down and let my filter dissolve. I started floating along and I believe I have been less thoughtful, inspired and communicative then I was before. I have also been more trusting, more whimsical and more of a lush.

I close by saying this: *edit--I meant something more along this line* I do not, honestly regret my actions but more how everything progressed from that moment on. This all sucks! But, I have learned yet another valuable lesson and I am sure it won't be the only thing I learn from this, both fortunately and unfortunately.

Signing out as a Class 5 Douchebag.


Dream a Weird Dream

So last night/this morning, I had a dream about a Post Hunt sequel. It was stunningly more difficult than the one that I was involved with this past May. I had a different team, which made none of us very happy. My team consisted of my roommate, her sister and Kim's husband, Brian.

We went to the location of the first puzzle, which is a public library. The librarian, of course, is my old high school's librarian. She shushed us countless times as we worked on the puzzle. The puzzle had these clues that each stood for a letter of the alphabet and fell into a puzzle at the bottom of the page to make 2 words. I started tackling the puzzle and for some reason my team did not assist me and are angry at me for taking on the work. So, I got up and left and said something to the effect of, "fine! you go ahead and do it."

I headed over to the next closest puzzle, which was in this room filled with pictures of geese and and this clue giver in a foxhunter's outfit. The answer to the clue, which had some weird long question sheet that didn't make a lot of sense, was Goose Creek Golf Course. My dad helped me with the answer, because in the dream of course he was standing in the room for this purpose.

So, I rushed back to find my team and they had already left the library. I called Sam's cell and it kicked me straight to voicemail. I called Liz's phone, but it had been disconnected and the message told me she owe $63.52. (Sorry Liz!) So, I ended up running into Liz, who was outside smoking a cigarette and waiting for Sam. Same, naturally, had to pee. She told me where to find Brian who was working on the 3rd clue, conveniently in a tent about 50 yards away.

I walked into this tent and it is a demo for EA Sports Tiger Woods 2009 and it's 8-layer control feel. Whatever the hell that means? Unfortunately, I woke up at this point without solving this clue or getting any further along.

The dream was just a tad odd and worth a humor note, if anything.


Bar Etiquette, The Sequel

A list of general things to expect from your bartender, when you do certain things.

1) You don't tip. Your bartender will remember your face and ignore your existence at his bar until it is painful.

2) You flirt with your bartender and tip poorly. Your bartender will take the money and continue on his merry way. DO NOT ASK OR GIVE YOUR NUMBER AT THIS POINT.

3) You wave at or motion for your bartender to come to you. Your bartender will wave back or motion for you to come to him and he will continue doing what he was doing before you did this.

4) You whistle, yell, order from behind other guests, order from down the bar. Your bartender will ignore your pleas, just be quiet and wait like a good bar patron.

5) You are being creepy. Your bartender will tell you so.

6) You order one drink at a time. Your bartender will either say "Is that all?", "There are other guests", "Rude!", "I'm sorry I thought you were done the second time." or something else along those lines. DO NOT DO THIS, WE ARE BUSY AND IT IS RUDE!

7) You hang out in front of the bartender's service area. Your bartender will spill something to make you go away. We are here to make money and you are the reason I am not making it at that given point. GET YOUR DRINK AND MOVE TO THE SIDE OR AWAY WHEN IT IS BUSY.

8) You want a complicated drink and you fail to tip well. Your bartender will have short term memory loss the next time you come up and won't be able to make your drink.

9) You were comped your drink and you tipped a dollar. Your bartender will never comp a drink to you, again.

10) You were comped a drink, you barely tip and you flirt with the bartender. SEE #2, you are wasting your time.

The Need for Intimacy Revisited

Revisited because I see how it has driven a lot of us (people as an inclusive) crazy in the past. I should also add, because one person made a statement that brought me to rethinking about my need for intimacy, perhaps there is a reason for you being 1st Brain.

The statement, greatly paraphrased not because of lack of memory but more for purpose was this: Why do you need intimacy, if you have everything else that you need without it? And after wrapping my brain around that for a bit, I have realized I do have intimacy. Intimacy to the level of description from our good friends at Wikipedia, the first two paragraphs are as follows:

The meaning of intimacy varies from relationship to relationship, and within a given relationship. Intimacy has more to do with rituals of connection. It is possible to compete over intimacy but that is likely to be self-defeating. Intimacy requires empathy - the ability to stand in another's shoes.

Intimacy is both the ability and the choice to be close, loving, and vulnerable. Intimacy requires identity development. You have to know yourself and your inner self in order to share your self with another. Knowing yourself makes it possible to stand for yourself in an intimate relationship without taking over the other or losing yourself to the other. This ability to be separate and together in an intimate relationship and being okay with that is called self-differentiation. Lacking the ability to differentiate one self from the other is a form of symbiosis. This too is different from intimacy though to some that kind of dependent closeness may feel the same.

I have these familiar relationships with my closest friends. What I found was that I was not lacking intimacy but that I was lacking something that I may not need in a relationship: symbiosis. I have in the past in my relationships become rather absorbed in the other person. I lost some of my own personality and it takes me a bit to recover each time.

I do know what it is that I am lacking that I do want however now with a little soul-searching (Still looking for that, huh?)... I want to feel "wanted." (Please define.) I have some amazing friends, but I don't know how much I can contribute to our relationships. (Why?) Not because I run sub-dialogue in parenthetical blips, (You do.) but because I have an obsessive need to know that what I am doing is beneficial to somebody else.

I feel badly about staying with friends' places over the weekend, not because I wouldn't do the same thing for any of them, but because I don't see what they can ever get out of the situation. It makes me feel invasive, which going back to the last statement of the last paragraph is not helping that need.

Also, there is a bit of a longing for a singular person with which I will have both a sexual and intimate connection and I think this is what I was thinking about before. I just didn't know exactly what I was missing, nor was I coping with it well.

I am not going to let my "longing" interfere with my relationships with anyone else any longer. (Yeah right.) No, really, I need you to call me out on it when it does. Further, I need you all to ask me "what's going on inside of that head of yours?" And not to accept the response of "nothing" indefinitely. Make me talk, make me ramble, make me cry... I like it. (Apparently)

Until next time, kids. I know you want more witty tales and the general tomfoolery of my days, but remember half of that is dependent on you.

"Run" by Gnarls Barkley

So, a Nelly Furtado cover of "Crazy" came on at CPK yesterday after a long day of shopping with Cam & boy. I think I probably said something along the line of "Really?" and a conversation ensued that we will entitle: "What the fuck have you done lately, Gnarls Barkley?" I defended them saying that the freshman effort was incredible and that I like this song from the sophomore effort. Anytime you add Cee-Lo Green and Brian Joseph Burton (aka Danger Mouse) together you can count me in.

(Update: 7/21/08)...the cover played at CPK was this one by Shawn Colvin, thank you for the correction my friend. That doesn't effect the context of the conversation, as we were thinking it might be Sarah McLachlan, but we all get the point.



An Open Mike, a 2 Block Walk, Chipotle Ice & No Jalapenos

So yesterday, "The Brain" ventured to Old Town Alexandria for numerous reasons but this story only involves the search for Chipotle. So, I proclaim while we are on King St. that I think that the Chipotle is about 2 blocks down the road. So, we park and begin are walk.

About 20 paces from where the car is parked is a place called Tiffany's Tavern. Outside of this establishment is a sign that reads: THE BEST BURGERS BLUEGRASS AND OPEN MIKE IN TOWN. So, this little bit of misspelling and poor grammar lent itself to a couple of fun observations:

Like maybe going inside and asking for Mike and inquiring into just how "open" he was.
How open does Mike have to be to be considered the Best Open Mike in Town?
Would the 2nd Best Open Mike in Town benefit from a name change?
Can you challenge his "openness" by presenting him with situations that he may not be so "open."

So, back to the 2 block walk. So, I may have misjudged the distance we were away from the Chipotle by a few blocks:

View Larger Map

At Chipotle, because the CDC says so, I am not allowed raw Jalapeno peppers because people with compromised immune systems, infants and the elderly may be susceptible to illness caused by the consumption. Fancy word-jockeying to not say the word "salmonella" aside I wanted me some peppers. Robbie's statement of thank goodness I already got my security upgrade downloaded...or something along that line was well played.

The Ice Machines at Chipotle are admittedly scary, thanks Mitchell. :-) The employee at Chipotle did not gather what the questioning was all about when she was filling the ice and Mitchell was trying to figure out why it was set up the way it was and i think she thought that he was either a) messing with her, b) really stupid or c) ate a jalapeno as evidenced by the "shaking jalapeno syndrome."

Funny day including more talk of "open mike" on the way back to the car, pictures of said sign (which I still am too lame to upload, NOW you can see it on the District Diaries, thank you "3rd Brain" and a LOTR type journey.

Thanks guys! You da bestest!


Simple Update

Yes, I have not done great work with my blog recently. Though I think there have been moments that still have been at least on the above average side of writing. I have been so focused on getting things the way I need them to be, in order to accomplish a few goals. 1) To take classes and get my B.S. so I might actually go on to get an MBA. 2)Being happy, which has been a challenge from both a geographic and psychological standpoint. 3) Getting an additional job to occupy some of my time and to make life from a economic standpoint easier.

I LOVE my friends and had the privilege of having brunch with 3 of the best that I have today. Our conversations, even about nothing are awesome. I like the way we think. It was at this brunch that I was scorned for my lack of note taking at work and the lack of content for my blog(s).

I am a writer who really needs inspiration. I can churn out an essay or a meaningless rant with the best of them. But, my best content is typically from random observations from my interactions with people, especially my friends. Remember, from the last paragraph, I like the way we think.

So, yes this is just more filler for now, but someone needs to hook a boy up with some material. Please, do something stupid or funny or weird. Say something intelligent, challenge me and make me think outside my narrow perspective. Feed me, people! Come On!!


"I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz

I am going to admit it...I love Jason Mraz! There I said it. He is goofy cute. What? He is :-)

I also think he has a great command of the English language and his 3rd album is a great example of just how good he is at songwriting. Give this a listen and consider picking up his latest effort We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things.

Also, check out his site



Did I stop thinking?

I stopped thinking. Somewhere, somehow, I just kind of hit the "auto-pilot" button and started cruising along at a "safe" altitude. The problem with safe altitudes and cruising along is that nothing changes and nothing is learned.

For about 2 month, I stopped meaning "how are you?" when I asked someone. I became like everyone else in meaning that as a simple greeting and almost as if it is a rhetorical question with the implied answer of "fine." I became someone less. Someone...not ME. Earlier, I cried, which usually signifies a breaking point, but it could just be a need for release.

I miss feeling intimately desired. Yes, a very selfish feeling. But, it is true and not to be confused with sexually desired. I miss that series of connections, that "I will always have your back" feeling. The inside jokes. The touch, the feel. (of cotton).

So many people bring so much to me and I thank the gods for you every day. Ironically, somehow that has had both a positive and a negative effect on me as well. The positives far outweigh the negatives, which is why I made the first statement of this paragraph. It has made me desire more and I am not saying particularly from any of you, just that I know I can and have a good man and should not accept anything less. But the longing...GRRRR.

I stopped thinking long enough to ramble on in this posting. Imagine that. I don't understand myself sometimes and yet not knowing someone else drives me nuts. Absolutely bonkers. I guess that is the other edge of the knowledgemongering sword.

And there is trust. Yes, still not fully okay with it. I am always tip-toeing across the rug jsut in case someone is going to slide it out from under me. In my life thuse, far most people have faded in and out, including my mother. It makes knowing what and when to share hard sometimes.

Words of advice to future me: Everyone has their own agenda, don't assume that you know what it is, but don't be surprised when it is exactly what you thought it might be. Also, continue your patience when dealing with other people's agendas, some lessons have to be learned first hand and can not be taught, even when it is painful to watch. Continue to love as a default.

I need more solid two way conversations. More dialogue, less monologue. Internal demons can only be exercised but setting them loose.

Okay, enough of that for now. :-)

Another Long Weekend Comes to a Close

I worked 4 events at Town and spent 4 nights in the city with friends (Thanks guys!)

Strangely, I don't feel like I have much to recap, but I will give it a go, anyhow.

July 3rd...Sam's Birthday & Freaks United at Town.

I hit the gym before work, but my body was oddly fatigued and did not want to be cooperative, so I don't feel as accomplished with the workout as I typically do. Oh well! Went to work and we were HELLA SLOW! So, I put in a text to the bar manager and asked about being the first out. And BANG I was out the door by 12:00. Met up with Cam, RB & CC at Apex for Kiddie Pool Night. It was about 150 degrees inside and was overall just disgusting minus the aforementioned persons and those with which we interacted. Cam & I cut out about 1:30 and began our LOTR walk back to Cam's with a quick stop to get my bags (Thx Eric). We ate some chicken & eggs, Absolut on the side and then retired.

Note: I require 1 LOTR style journey per weekend apparently. See also: the last 2 weekends, which I don't feel like linking.

July 4th... Uncle Sam's Birthday, BBQ & Upstairs Bar at Town.

After lounging a bit & watching some MGS4 action while reading Dirty Job, I donned my Union Jack shirt and headed for the Independence Day BBQ. I chatted with the interpreter for a good portion of the day, played some Trivial Pursuit & drank some liquid libations. At 8:45, texted a food order to Nellie's (thx Cam) and headed that way so I could be at Town by 9:30. July 4th was Town has Talent night, which I only got to hear about; however, Robbie won! Woot! Good job, my friend. For a synopsis, see The Diarist and his Part II for VIDEO. I spent most of my bartending evening serving those that were at the 4th party and other friends. Went to Annie's, got my "to go" omelette. Then, end scene.

Note (1): Omelette ingredients should be mixed not just lumped in to the omelette and butter really is not needed (Sorry Paula, it is true).

Note (b): Some people will still not just accept the humor of wearing a British flag on Independence Day.

Note (!): I am going to continue the weekend in this styling; however, I am realizing that I am not a big fan of this method.

July 5th...Nick's Birthday (guy from Town), The Frozen Wallet Killer, No Sleep

Woke up to half power in the Casa de Cam & Scottie. Scottie ever-resourceful was all first things first and moved the coffee pot into his bedroom where there was power so we could partake of some caffeine. Step #2 was reallocating power to insure internet and TV. (woot!) Watched French Kiss. I <3 Meg! Went to Town at 5:30 to do some data stuff and no one was there...boo!!!! So, after venturing up to Starbucks and coming back no one was to be seen still, so I walked my happy ass over to Nell's and chatted with Bill until we both had to go over to Town. During this period at Nellie's I was shown some images that I think may scar me for life (thx Nash) & I don't want to talk further about that. Got to Town, set up shop, & then just hung out with people until we opened. Tonight's interesting cases were: the 40something with horrid breathe who decided it was appropriate to hug/talk to me for about a minute & this little interaction:

(2:50ish, While I am talking to a friend) Guy walks up and slaps my hand. I turn, raise an eyebrow and look at him.

"Can I get a Voss?"

Guy looks at me really puzzled.
"I am sorry, I have no till."
"I have no register with which to sell you a water."
Guy still looks puzzled. Walks over to someone that I know, says a few things then walks off. I say to this person that I know, "Tell your boy that slapping a bartender's hand is not helping his cause."

(3:05ish, While I am working on cleaning up the bar) Same guy returns.

"Can I get a Voss?"
"No. I don't have a register, nor do I have the water, which has been put away."
Guy looks, smiles and stares. I start to walk to the side of the bar, he glides sideways to flow and stare.

"Now you are just being creepy."
"Did you just call me 'creepy'?"
"Yes, you are being creepy."
"You can't call me creepy, how am I being creepy. All I did was ask for a water." (begins throwing money behind my bar) "I am not creepy or cheap."
"I never called you cheap." (As I pick up his money and hand it back to him.) "You asked for a water, you slapped my hand earlier & now you are staring in a weird way."
"I slapped your hand?"
"Yes, you did."
"Oh." Guy walks off.

So, I finish around 4 am. Cam waited and walked with me back to his place. These is more to this but it involves writing, not being able to sleep and more reading.

Note: The biggest disadvantage of working the Frozen Bar is not the less money that you typically make there versus the main bar, but in actuality the inability to escape the weirdos. At the main bar, if someone is being weird, you can walk away, turn and talk to another bartender, etc. At the frozen bar, the machines don't talk back and you just have no where to go. Being located by the exit adds to the likelihood of having weirdos interact with you.

July 6th...Data Entry: Part II, Drag Pageant & SNK

After a little sleep, I woke and read some more. Sidenote: I pick up on moods and tend to mirror them, which has advantages and disadvantages (empathy...shrug) So, I gathered up my stuff from the 3 night stay (THX AGAIN!!!) and headed to Town around 3, after watching the tail end of Akeelah and the Bee. Did my data entry stuff, ate some fat girl food and went about my business of setting up the bar for night. Mitchell rocked out as server and rang over half of my sales, but if I have to make one more Scooby Snack (27)... I did enjoy how he slipped the 8 or 9 shot orders in after getting me to make other things and then he turned and walked off. Very smooth, mister! Anyway, we finished at Town and headed over for some Karaoke fun at Cobalt. I sang, not drunk. redeeming some cred after last weeks less than stellar outing. Waited outside for Robbie, poked fun at a drunk guy, who ran after someone we knew that sprinted off away from him. Weirdness. Sang some tunes with R & M on the ride to Anacostia, then watched some MGS4. Then Sleep.

So that was pretty much my weekend. I will have another posting tomorrow about lessons learned and other personal mumbo jumbo.

"What the fuck have you done lately?"

"Warning Signs" by Coldplay

So, my musical post of the week has to do with the band that has been stuck there all week and the song that started it all on Monday at about 12:15 pm. Just an approximation.

Not my favorite song of Coldplay's but one of the better ones anyway :-)

Hope you enjoy and I will post more about my world and the craziness therein, after this long long weekend. Happy Birthday Sam & Uncle Sam!


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